Stan Tatkin

The Hidden Economy of Modern Marriage Marriage is more than a romantic union; it is a legally significant contract that carries massive repercussions for property ownership, spousal support, and inheritance. Many people enter this agreement with an abundance of optimism but a complete lack of understanding regarding the underlying mechanics. James Sexton, a veteran divorce attorney in New York City, views the institution through the lens of those who have seen it fail. His perspective is not one of cynicism, but of radical honesty. Every marriage, he argues, has a prenuptial agreement. It is either one you and your partner draft yourselves while you are in love and thinking clearly, or it is the default set of laws provided by the government—laws that can change without your consent. To view marriage as an economy is not to strip it of its beauty, but to acknowledge its reality. An economy is simply an exchange of value. In healthy relationships, this exchange involves more than just finances; it includes warmth, comfort, labor, and support. The danger arises when couples stop treating their relationship as a dynamic system that requires regular maintenance and open dialogue. When the "we" subsumes the "you" and the "me" entirely, the very individuals who fell in love are lost to a collective entity that may no longer serve their growth. Recognizing the legal and economic weight of marriage is the first step in building a resilient partnership. The Psychology of Professional Failure: Athletes and Finance Titans Certain professions carry unique psychological burdens that manifest in the courtroom during a divorce. James Sexton highlights professional athletes, particularly NFL players, as a demographic with a staggering 70% divorce rate. This is often linked to the "monastic discipline" required to succeed in sports. Athletes spend their lives focused on a single metric of success, often retiring in their early 30s. When the structure of the league disappears, they are left unmoored, losing the identity that defined them. The silence of retirement is often deafening, and 50% of these divorces occur within the first year of leaving the sport. The restlessness they feel with themselves is frequently projected onto the partner who has been there all along. On the other end of the spectrum are the "sharks" of the finance world. Hedge fund managers and high-stakes traders often lack risk aversion, making them difficult both as clients and as adversaries. Unlike "quant guys" who make decisions based on mathematical probability, these individuals are often aggressive and ready to go to war in litigation. Their high testosterone and intense focus can be assets in the market but liabilities in the nuanced negotiation of a relationship dissolution. Understanding these personality archetypes reveals a core truth: the way we relate to our work and ourselves is the blueprint for how we relate to our partners. Normalizing the Prenup as an Act of Love The word "prenup" often triggers defensive reactions, yet James Sexton advocates for its normalization as a tool for safety. You cannot truly feel loved if you do not feel safe. A prenuptial agreement is a rule set established during a time of maximum goodwill. It is an insurance policy against the version of yourself that might one day be hurt, angry, or irrational. By discussing the end of a marriage at the beginning, couples are forced to have the vulnerable, brave conversations that most people avoid until it is too late. Waiting until the wedding is near is a strategic error. The best time to broach the topic of a prenup is early in the relationship—perhaps even by the third date through hypothetical scenarios involving celebrities or current events. This allows you to gauge a partner's "temperature" on legal protections before the stakes are emotionally overwhelming. Discussing whether the government should be the third party in your marriage isn't unromantic; it's a demonstration of high-level emotional intelligence. It signals that you care enough about the other person to protect them from everyone, including the potential future version of yourself. The Art of Substantive Disagreement Conflict is inevitable, but its execution determines the longevity of a bond. James Sexton suggests that most arguments about dirty dishes are actually about a lack of perceived respect or order. Good disagreement must be substantive, focusing on the merit of the position rather than attacking the person. One of the most destructive behaviors in a relationship is the weaponization of intimacy. Intimacy is the ability to be completely yourself, showing your partner your softest targets. Using those targets to cause pain during a fight is a "villainous" act that creates wounds that may never fully heal. To fight well, couples need a pre-agreed-upon strategy. Some may need a code word to signal a timeout, while others may benefit from Sexton's "Hit Send Now" approach—using carefully drafted emails to communicate feelings without the immediate defensive reflex triggered by verbal confrontation. Drawing from Stan Tatkin, it is vital to resolve disputes quickly to prevent the memory of the partner from shifting from "loved one" to "predator" in the long-term brain structures. If the lows of a relationship break it, then learning to navigate those lows with grace is the most important skill a couple can acquire. Conscious Relating and Sexual Monotony Long-term monogamy often falls into the trap of sexual monotony not due to a lack of care, but due to "playing the hits." Couples identify what works and stick to it, inadvertently creating a routine that becomes a rut. To combat this, Sexton suggests using "behavior manipulation with good intentions." Instead of a confrontational discussion about a boring sex life, use narrative and fantasy to reintroduce novelty. Describing a "dream" you had about your partner is a non-threatening way to suggest new experiences and gauge their interest without triggering defensiveness. Maintaining a sense of "alive mode" requires intentionality. This includes small, free acts of connection like texting a friend or partner simply because they popped into your head. These micro-connections cost nothing but serve as a constant reinvestment in the relationship's emotional bank account. In a culture that often prizes the "gag reel" of social media, being seen in your full, messy humanity by another person and being loved anyway is the ultimate goal. Relationships are not something we are naturally good at; they are a teachable skill that requires constant refinement and a willingness to be a beginner. Recognizing the Point of No Return Knowing when to leave a relationship is as critical as knowing how to stay. Sexton provides a series of diagnostic questions: If you woke up tomorrow and the relationship was over with no fallout, would you feel relieved? Do you spend more time questioning the relationship than being in it? A powerful metric for parents is the "child mirror": would you want your child to date someone exactly like your partner? We often tolerate mistreatment for ourselves that we would find intolerable for those we love. Ending a relationship is a form of death, and it requires a grieving process. Sexton warns against immediately diving into a new serious relationship, as true recovery only begins once the legal and physical separation is finalized. He advocates for a "body practice"—whether Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, yoga, or marathons—to reconnect with the self and overcome physical adversity. This helps rebuild the identity that was subsumed during the marriage. Ultimately, the goal of a successful life is to become the most authentic version of yourself, hopefully with a partner who helped you reach that state. If that partnership ends, the scars left behind are proof of a life lived in "alive mode," full of the risks and rewards that define the human experience.