Joyce Beninson

The Great Disconnect of the Modern Dating Market Something is broken in the way men and women relate today. If you look at the raw statistics, the picture is startling. Young people are drifting apart, not just in their physical spaces, but in their ideological, psychological, and romantic worlds. In a landmark discussion on Modern Wisdom hosted by Chris Williamson, three prominent researchers—William Costello, Tania Reynolds, and Freya India—laid bare the underlying currents driving this widening gulf. This is not merely a transient social trend. It is a deep-seated psychological crisis. Modern dating has transformed from a localized, community-governed process into a hyper-digitized, anonymous marketplace. Decades ago, finding a partner meant interacting within social circles where reputation mattered. Bad behavior carried social costs. Today, a single click provides access to thousands of profiles. This anonymity allows deceptive actors to run short-term mating strategies without facing consequences from kin or community networks. The pathway to a committed relationship is now cluttered with emotional tripwires, leaving young women highly risk-averse. Many choose singlehood rather than risk selecting a partner who demands too much and returns too little. The juice is no longer worth the squeeze. As a coach and psychologist, I see this anxiety playing out in my practice daily. The constant search for red flags has left people perpetually defensive. Instead of building bridges, we are erecting fortresses. Growth cannot happen in a state of constant survival. To understand how we arrived here, we must trace these behaviors back to their evolutionary origins and see how the modern digital environment exploits our ancient wiring. The Evolutionary Trap of Perpetual Vulnerability To understand the modern female experience, we have to look through an evolutionary lens. For the vast majority of human history, women faced immense physical vulnerability. They carried the heavy physiological costs of pregnancy and lactation, possessed less upper-body strength on average, and faced severe consequences from aggressive encounters. In ancestral environments, signaling vulnerability and distress was a highly successful survival strategy. Communicating need evoked protection and resource provisioning from mates and allies. This history explains why women, globally, report lower subjective physical and mental health than men. It is not necessarily that they are weaker, but that they are highly attuned to threat detection. In the ancestral world, an error in threat detection could be fatal. Under error management theory, it was far safer to assume a situation was dangerous and be wrong, than to assume it was safe and be wrong. Today, this threat-detection machinery is stuck on high alert. Furthermore, this evolutionary vulnerability influences how women build social networks. In the past, women who did not have kin nearby had to prove their loyalty to other women. One highly effective way to signal in-group solidarity was to align against out-groups. Today, this manifests as a strong "girl's girl" bias. Recent research by Hannah Bradshaw reveals that women who maintain too many male friendships are often distrusted by other women. They are seen as provocative or disloyal to the female coalition. Consequently, expressing disdain for men has become a bizarre social signal—a way to say to other women, "I am on your team." While this might build short-term solidarity among female peers, it builds a massive wall between the sexes, sabotaging the very relationships women still deeply desire. Social Contagion and the Rise of the Moral Out-Group Social media has taken these evolutionary predispositions and turned them into supernormal stimuli. In the virtual space, emotional states spread like wildfire. Depression and anxiety possess a social contagion effect among women that does not exist to the same degree among men. When women gather online to ruminate over negative experiences, they co-ruminate, magnifying their anxiety. The algorithms reward this. A post detailing a terrible date or expressing generalized anger toward men receives high engagement, prompting others to match or exceed that level of distress. This contagion has bled heavily into politics. A shocking number of young women now view political alignment as an absolute relationship dealbreaker. They treat political stances as proxy signs of basic human decency. Because we live in a highly secularized culture, we no longer have shared religious frameworks to define who is "good" or "bad." Instead, we use digital signifiers. Is he posting about international crises? What are his views on immigration or social justice? These complex geopolitical issues become quick moral tests. This political hardlining is highly asymmetric; young liberal women are far more likely to reject a partner with differing political views than conservative women or men of any political affiliation. This standard creates an impossible dating pool. By demanding absolute ideological conformity, women isolate themselves. They mistake curated online stances for real-world moral character. In doing so, they miss out on partners who might be deeply kind, protective, and supportive in daily life, but who do not play the same performative online games. The Mismatch in How Men and Women Construct Value While women navigate these ideological fortresses, young men are falling into their own psychological traps. The digital dating market over-indexes on visual presentation, forcing men to treat themselves like products. This has fueled the rise of the "looksmaxxing" movement—a subculture where men obsess over maximizing their physical appearance, from muscle mass to jawline symmetry. But looksmaxxing reveals a massive failure in cross-sex mind reading. Men reliably overestimate the level of muscularity and facial masculinity that women actually find attractive. They build giant, hyper-imposing physiques and seek extreme facial structures, thinking this is the golden ticket to female attention. In reality, they are coding for male formidability and status, not female desire. Studies show women often prefer a neutral or slightly feminized face combined with a healthy, fit body. Extremely masculine features can actually be off-putting; they signal high testosterone, which women associate with a higher risk of infidelity, aggression, and a lower willingness to invest in a long-term family. Even when men try to looksmaxx, they often run into a double standard. If a man is too overtly self-obsessed, women get the "ick." It signals that he is highly active in the mating market, self-absorbed, and likely to cheat. The most attractive state for a man remains effortless beauty—being handsome without appearing to try. Clvicular, a famous looksmaxxer, exemplifies this tension; though highly handsome, his highly staged, neurotic focus on appearance can read as feminine or socially awkward. When men spend all their energy optimization-maxxing, they forget that women are ultimately looking for emotional intelligence, humor, and shared purpose. Mismeasurement and the Pathology of Benevolent Sexism This disconnect is further complicated by how academic psychology measures male attitudes. In their ongoing research, Tania Reynolds and William Costello point out what they call the "mismeasurement of men." Standard psychological scales used to measure sexism are deeply flawed. For example, the benevolent sexism scale classifies statements like "women should be cherished and protected by men" or "in a disaster, women should be rescued first" as sexist. When polled, however, the vast majority of women agree with these sentiments. They want to be protected. They want a partner who would sacrifice for them. Yet, academic scales label men who hold these protective views as harboring "benevolent sexism." This creates a pathological view of healthy male protectiveness. It tells men that their natural desire to guard and provide for women is inherently toxic. This mismatch has real-world consequences. A viral video of a robbery in Thailand showed a man hiding behind a pillar while his female partner fought off a knife-wielding attacker. The internet's reaction was swift and universally negative; the man was viewed as a coward. Women have an incredibly strong, evolutionary preference for physical protection. Costello's polling shows that women find a partner's unwillingness to protect them *more* damaging to his attractiveness than finding out he had a one-night stand. By pathologizing the protective instinct, modern culture has confused men. They are told to be soft, yielding, and non-threatening, yet they are instantly discarded if they fail to show strength when threat levels rise. Reclaiming Agency Over Our Modern Mating Psychology If we want to heal the rift between the sexes, we must step off the digital hamster wheel. We must recognize that the messages we consume online are designed to keep us in a state of high alert. Women are told they are perfect as they are, that they are queens who should never settle, and that men are obstacles to their self-actualization. Men are told that they are worthless unless they are high-earning, hyper-muscular "alphas" who view women as adversaries. Both of these narratives are toxic. They destroy our capacity for vulnerability and trust. True personal growth does not happen by isolating ourselves or demanding that the world bend to our anxieties. It happens when we build resilience. We must move back toward real-world connection. Cultivating cross-sex friendships is an excellent starting point. Sixty percent of romantic relationships begin as friendships. In a platonic setting, we learn to see the opposite sex as complex, multi-dimensional humans, not as caricatures on an Instagram feed. We learn to read each other's minds accurately. Your greatest power lies in recognizing your inherent strength to handle life's challenges. You do not need a perfect, risk-free world to step into dating. You simply need to trust your own resilience. Growth happens one intentional step at a time. Let us lay down our digital armor, embrace the beautiful complexity of real-world relationships, and build bridges instead of walls.