Eli Finkel

The myth of the objective mating market Traditional dating advice often treats romantic attraction like a commodity market. We speak of mate value as if it were an immutable credit score, ranking individuals on a scale from one to ten. This framework suggests that a "seven" naturally belongs with another "seven," and any deviation from this creates instability. However, Dr. Paul Eastwick suggests this model is fundamentally flawed because it relies on the perspective of strangers. When we first encounter someone, our brains use consensus-driven criteria: symmetry, health, and status. At this stage, people generally agree on who is attractive. Research reveals a striking shift as time passes. While strangers might agree on a person's attractiveness 70% of the time, that consensus evaporates as people actually get to know one another. Among friends and long-term acquaintances, the agreement on who is "hot or not" drops to nearly 50%—essentially a coin flip. This means that the "market" only exists in the foyer of a relationship. Once you move into the living room of actual connection, the objective value system collapses, replaced by a highly subjective, idiosyncratic evaluation. Your greatest power isn't necessarily increasing your market value, but finding the specific person whose internal compass points directly toward your unique constellation of traits. Why self-improvement advice often misses the mark The "manosphere" and various self-help gurus frequently advocate for radical self-optimization—hit the gym, earn more money, and upgrade your wardrobe. While these actions are objectively beneficial for your health and confidence, their impact on long-term romantic success is often overstated. Dr. Eastwick notes that while these attributes widen the "front end of the funnel"—helping you secure more first dates or more attention on apps—they have almost zero predictive power regarding the quality or longevity of a relationship once it begins. In a support-based relationship science framework, the traits that get you through the door are not the traits that keep you in the house. The obsession with "leveling up" can actually lead to frustration because it ignores the social network solutions. We have moved away from organic, repeated interactions where idiosyncrasies have time to blossom. If you are constantly trying to compete in a high-consensus environment like Tinder or a crowded bar, you are playing a game of averages. Growth happens when we pivot from trying to be everyone's "ten" to being one person's indispensable partner through vulnerability and shared history. The reality of gender differences and earnings A persistent narrative in evolutionary psychology suggests that women are biologically wired to prioritize high-earning, ambitious men, while men prioritize youth and beauty. Dr. Eastwick’s research into revealed preferences—what people actually choose in real-time interactions—paints a different picture. In speed-dating environments and long-term studies, ambition and earning potential are mild aphrodisiacs for *both* sexes. Men like ambitious women nearly as much as women like ambitious men. Furthermore, the "threat" of the highly educated woman is largely a myth. Despite fears that the rise in female education is driving a "singledom epidemic," data shows that relationships where the woman is more educated or earns more than her partner are no more likely to fail than traditional pairings. The friction in modern dating isn't caused by a lack of high-value men, but rather by the screening criteria we use in digital environments. By using education or income as a hard filter on apps, we prevent ourselves from ever experiencing the face-to-face compatibility that historically bridged these gaps. Attachment as the true engine of human evolution While we often focus on the "alpha" traits of our ancestors, the real secret to human survival was our ability to form deep, interdependent bonds. We are creatures that attach. The evolution of the human male—characterized by smaller canines and decreased aggression—suggests that we were selected for caregiving and cooperation rather than just dominance. This shifts the focus of a relationship from "What can you provide?" to "How do we function together?" Adulthood attachment is defined by two primary functions: the safe haven and the secure base. A partner acts as a safe haven when they provide support during adversity, and a secure base when they encourage your personal growth. This diadic support is the most powerful predictor of relationship satisfaction. It doesn't matter if the rest of the world thinks your partner is a "five"; if they are your secure base, your brain will produce a perceived superiority bias, literally making you blind to more "attractive" alternatives. This isn't just romantic sentiment; it's a biological defense mechanism designed to protect the unit required to raise complex offspring. Navigating the psychological wreckage of breakups Breakups are uniquely destabilizing because they represent a "double whammy" of stress. When you lose a partner, you lose a primary source of meaning, but you also lose the very person you would normally turn to for comfort during a crisis. This explains the physical symptoms often associated with heartbreak: insomnia, immune system suppression, and a constant state of fight-or-flight. Your nervous system is reacting to the severance of an attachment bond that was literally regulating your physiology. To recover, one must engage in narrative construction. The human brain abhors an open loop. We need a coherent story about why the relationship ended—even if that story is biased—to close the psychological circuit. Whether the narrative is that your ex was a "jackass" or that you have grown beyond them, the coherence of the tale allows you to move from a state of chaos back into a state of agency. Without this story, the "ghosts" of previous micro-cultures—the inside jokes, the shared rituals, the specific language of the couple—continue to haunt future attempts at connection. The future of human pairing Are humans naturally monogamous? The evidence suggests we are creatures of serial attachment. We form intense, culture-creating bonds that may last for years or decades, but these bonds have a life cycle. Maintaining a lifelong partnership is an act of defiance against the natural waning of relationship biases. It requires a constant, intentional reinvestment in the "micro-culture" of the pair. As we move deeper into an era of digital disconnection, the challenge will be to recreate the conditions where idiosyncratic attraction can occur. We must look beyond the screen and return to environments that allow for repeated, low-stakes exposure. True resilience in love comes from recognizing that the "market" is an illusion. The real work of personal growth is becoming a person capable of deep vulnerability, recognizing that while the initial spark might be based on consensus, the flame that lasts is fueled entirely by compatibility and shared history.