Praise or Provoke

The Praise or Provoke Trap Interacting with a narcissistic personality often feels like walking through a minefield where every step is monitored. Jefferson Fisher highlights a critical framing: you are participating in a game designed by someone else. In this arena, the currency is emotional energy. If you don't provide a steady stream of praise, the dynamic shifts instantly to provocation. This isn't accidental. Anger and conflict offer the same hit of control as admiration. Recognizing that your frustration is a desired outcome, rather than a byproduct of a misunderstanding, is the first step toward reclaiming your peace. The Power of Strategic Distance One of the most effective tools in your arsenal is the deliberate use of time. We live in an era of rapid-fire digital communication, but urgency is a weapon used to keep you off-balance. Adding distance between a prompt and your response prevents the cycle of emotional escalation. By waiting until the next day to reply to a manipulative text, you signal that you are not under their immediate influence. You aren't just managing a schedule; you are regulating your own nervous system and refusing to play the role of the reactive victim. Adopting the Neutral Persona When forced to engage, aim for the "boring" approach. High-conflict personalities feed on details, justifications, and emotional vulnerability. Long, explanatory paragraphs are often counterproductive because the listener will likely seize a single word to twist against you. Instead, stick to neutral, non-committal phrases like "noted" or "I understand." These provide zero fuel for the fire. By offering nothing to argue against, you become a less interesting target for their provocation games. Reclaiming Your Agency You cannot change the nature of a narcissist, but you can change your participation in their script. The mindset shift requires accepting that logic and over-explaining won't solve the problem. Your empowerment comes from the realization that you don't have to be a player on their board. When you master the art of being unreactive, you move from being a pawn in their game to being the architect of your own boundaries.