Divorce lawyer Sexton warns rings and duration don't prove real connection

Many couples mistake longevity and legal status for intimacy. We often point to a ring, a shared mortgage, or a thirty-year history as evidence of a successful union. However, James Sexton argues these are merely external symbols. Real connection isn't found in the artifacts of a life shared; it is found in the active, daily choice to prioritize another human being. When we rely on the "government's involvement" or the fear of losing half our assets to keep us together, we lose the essence of what makes a partnership thrive.

The Favorite Person Standard

Core intimacy requires a radical shift in how we view our partners. Imagine taking away the legal contracts and social expectations. If the structure of marriage vanished tomorrow, would you still choose this person? A healthy relationship operates on the "favorite person" principle. This means showing up with the same enthusiasm and care you would offer someone you are trying to win over. It is about wanting to be next to them simply because your life feels better in their presence, not because you are obligated by a vow made decades ago.

Small Acts Over Grand Gestures

Building a lasting bond doesn't require expensive courses or performative displays. Advertisers don't sell the secret to a happy marriage because it costs nothing. It involves the basic human need to feel seen, heard, and important. You already know how to do this. Think about what makes you feel loved—a focused conversation, a touch, or a moment of genuine appreciation. These are the "practical things" that increase the odds of winning the relational lottery. Connection is built in the quiet, mundane moments where you decide to treat your partner as your most valued friend.

Choosing to Play the Game

Marriage is a high-stakes gamble, yet the reward is unparalleled. While the odds of a truly blissful, lifelong connection might seem low, the outcome justifies the effort. You cannot win the lottery without buying a ticket. In the context of love, buying a ticket means staying vulnerable and intentional. It means protecting the connection you've built from the rust of complacency. When you stop hiding behind the "symbol" of marriage and start practicing the "action" of loving, you transform a legal arrangement into a living, breathing sanctuary.